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  • Age:
  • I am 48
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  • German
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  • Man
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We often hear the terms making love and having sex used interchangebly, but it is important to know that there is a difference between the two. While both are related to sex duh! Even thinking about these phrases are used hints at their differences. When you have sex you have sex with someone. When you make love, you make love to someone.

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Question: I love my partner and we have a great relationship, but the lust is gone and I crave that "new and exciting" feeling that being with another person would offer.

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Any advice? Answer: This question is put to me in a variety of ways every week by all kinds of people in all kinds of relationships. Because this seems to be the benchmark of modern love and attraction. It's what is portrayed in movies and media. It comes about when you get a new lover — your skin connects with their skin and your brain gets als of "Oooh, someone new! It releases a set of sexy hormones oxytocin, dopamine, phenylethylamine, testosterone, estrogen, serotonin and dehydroepiandrosterone that help you fall in love. The pleasure centre of the brain takes over and starts making all the decisions for you.

Ask an expert: what's the difference between making love and having sex

There is a lot of spontaneous and adventurous sex. It's the feeling of wanting to talk to your lover all the time and the "You hang up, no YOU hang up" conversation at the end of your phone calls. Through the miracle of science, we have managed to reproduce many of these chemicals, but sadly they don't have the same effect in pill format as they do when they are produced in the body. The interesting thing to know about limerence is that for most people it lasts between six and 24 months — three years if you are lucky.

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Then bang! Those chemicals leave the body and they don't come back unless you get another lover. In limerence a lot of the desire and lust is spontaneous and it's easy to get to sex and to feel adventurous.

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Because of this, many people think when you get yourself into a relationship you will both ride off into the sunset and make love happily every after. Not so.

I love my partner but i don't feel like sex. any advice for feeling that excitement again?

Your sexual relationship — just like your overall relationship — needs work and maintenance if it is to be strong and serve you well. When people don't understand limerence and its effects, it can feel as if they have fallen out of love with their partner when the ease of connecting wanes. These are the folks who are relying on the ease of connection that limerence provides, or they may be confusing lust with love.

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As I explained above, it's important to know you need to work at both your relationship and your intimate connection. Loving someone is a decision. It's a decision to stay in the relationship and show up every day. Get our newsletter for the best of ABC Everyday each week. When it comes to desire, people are influenced by what they see in the media and that is nearly always spontaneous desire.

It is the kind of desire that manifests as a tingling in the loins, feeling horny, feeling desirous and feeling sexy. This is the kind of desire that most of us experience when we first connect with someone — the limerence phase.

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Because this type of desire is so commonly portrayed, many people think this is the only kind of desire and that there is something wrong with them if they don't feel like this all of the time. This is the type of desire that we have when our partner does something and it can take us from not being interested in sex to being open to it.

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It means that desire doesn't always have to come from a tingling in the loins — it can come from an appreciation or feeling connected to our partner. I have many clients coming to me after 10, 15 or more years in a relationship and they feel that something is wrong because they don't have the spontaneous desire they had when they first met.

Intentional time together, where they are connecting physically doing things like taking a bath together or giving each other a massage. ABC Everyday helps you navigate life's challenges and choices so you can stay on top of the things that matter to you.

We acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Australians and Traditional Custodians of the lands where we live, learn and work. ABC Everyday. Print content Print with images and other media. Print text only. Print Cancel. Turns out, there isn't a simple solution; rather it's a many faceted thing. Limerence is the scientific name for the "honeymoon period" of a relationship.

It's the deliciousness of falling in love.

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This is where I look at people's narratives about love and sex. Realising love is a decision. address.

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How often should couples be having sex? Why your relationship really begins when the honeymoon phase is over.

I don't ever feel like sex, think about it, or even get turned on ever. I like kinky sex but my partner likes it romantic.

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How can I compromise with him? My partner lost his erection and now he's avoiding sex. What should I do? Is it really possible to be 'friends with benefits' without catching feelings? Being brave in the bedroom: How to ask for what you want. Relationships, Sexual Activity.

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